Living in the Light

What is it about going back to NYC from anywhere that is inspiring? I am sitting in a wine bar in SFO drinking a delicious Pinot Noir (Monterey County, Chock Rock 2009) and wondering why I haven’t started living my life. OK, I know, California, wine, airports, add them together and I start babbling about God knows what. BUT, I feel like a girl in transition.

So as my last post might have given away, I am struggling with my thoughts of a potential relationship with a certain boy. After a few days away from my usual surroundings as well as no communications with said boy, I feel like an anvil has been lifted off of me. I am starting to remember what I want out of life without the cloud of “him” blocking my view. I have been so consumed that I’ve forgotten about me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, i’ve been living my life, having a great time and making memories but my 5 year plan has been on hiatus pending someone elses decision. Am I the only idiot to experience this? Well, you know what?! In this wine bar, at this very moment I am making a commitment to myself to live as if I’m not. Live as if I can make my own decisions and the first one I’m making is this one (i’m on my second glass of wine). Tomorrow I will remove said boy from my “love” void and replace it with the wonderful and amazing unknown. I have put much to much on the shelf, not intentionally, no fingers pointed…I just have, for my own reason and I’m no longer going to do that. Shooooot.

Last Sunday I was in a group meeting for this mission trip i’m going on to South Africa where we did an icebreaker to get to know each other better. We played “True Colors” which is a poor man’s Myers-Briggs personality test. So, you answer a series of questions where you have to choose between adjectives like “Devoted, Warm, Poetic” and “Realistic, Open-minded, Adventuresome” and after your done, you are left with a pretty accurate description of who you are. Long story short, It turns out that I am BLUE.

Blue: Value harmony above all else. Good at reading people, understanding human dynamics, Sensitive to others, appreciate and know how others feel, emotionally based decision making, time is circular, perception, “people pleaser”, a real team player, use poetry, music, quotations to express affection in romance and friendships, think about the possibility in people, centered on people, relationships, interaction.

I was pleased with that description of myself, although not 100% accurate I do value harmony etc. THEN I got to the section of the booklet that said how others see me.

Blue: Over-emotional, “bleeding heart”, flaky, hopelessly naive, easily duped, just pathetic… the list goes on…but i’m going to focus on Just Pathetic.

Today has been one of those days that I can clearly see myself as others see me. I am having a “Just Pathetic” day and I have decided to do something about it. My Ex and I are in a constant state of “trying to figure things out” and today I realized that the only one actually trying here is me. I have allowed myself to be eaten cake. I have let him receive my love without any real commitment or promise but only the opposite. I have allowed him to fill me with wait and hope for something that most probably will not happen. I have taken “people-pleasing” to new levels. So today when he said “I just cannot decide”, I did. I decided that all the BLUE characteristics that I’ve been so readily making available to him will not longer be in supply.

Anyhow … It turns out I am blue.

Whenever I ask anyone what their New Years resolutions are they say “I don’t do that” or “I choose to change what I want when I want”. I know that it is a tad bit cliche but is there something so wrong with a little push? Yes, I agree I should make that change on a daily basis or as the need presents itself but lets be honest…I just wont. So i’m going to take this time to list all of my New Years resolutions in order of importance:

1. My body is my temple - aka not more drinking because it’s Tuesday, regular exercise, cleanse, quit smoking (take 102)

2. Write - remember how freeing it has been to keep a journal since I was 12 and make up for the years I have been negligent to this.

3. Grow - stop acting like a friggin hooligan and actually do what my heart tells me and what is good for my soul.

4. Save - put money away for that certain something that I haven’t figure out yet but I know will be extravagant and so awesome.